艾克的小弟弟/剧本

梗概

冷知识

图册

剧本

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卡特曼的妈还是很荡

艾克的小弟弟/剧本

恋鸡狂

出场角色

• Stan Marsh
• Kyle Broflovski
• Eric Cartman
• Kenny McCormick
• Mr. Mackey
  • Devil Mackey
  • Angel Mackey
• Gerald Broflovski
• Sheila Broflovski
• Randy Marsh
• Sharon Marsh
• Father Maxi
• Uncle Murray
• Hobo
• Teen 1
• Teen 2
• Woman
• Mr. Allen
• Dr. Schwartz
• Chef
• Mr. Garrison
• Mr. Hat
• Ike Broflovski
• Jimbo Kern
• Ned Gerblansky
• Principal Victoria
• Bartender
• Hap
• Mr. Freely
• Bum
• Train Station Clerk
• Sylvester
• The A-Team
  • Mr. T
• Betty Ford Clinic Counselor

剧本

艾克的小弟弟
	South Park Elementary, Garrison's classroom.
Mr. Garrison	Okay, children, let's take our seats. This morning we're going to have a special lecture by your school counselor, Mr. Mackey.
	Mr. Mackey passes in front of Garrison and gets ready to speak.
Stan	[Imitating the counselor] Booooo!
Mr. Mackey	Nuh-now, who was that?
	No one speaks.
Mr. Mackey	That is not appropriate behavior, m'kay?
Stan	[Mimicking] I'm sorry, Mr. Mackey, m'kay?
Mr. Mackey	Uh... That's okay, just don't let it happen again.
Kyle	[Following Stan's lead.] We won't let it happen again, Mr. Mackey, m'kay?
	The others laugh.
Mr. Mackey	Uh, okay, okay, that's fine.
Cartman	M'kay?
Mr. Mackey	M'kay. [More laughs.] Now, uh, as your counselor, I'm here to tell you about drugs and alcohol and why they're bad, m'kay? Uh, so, first of all, uh, smokin's bad.
	Writes "smoking" on the board.
Mr. Mackey	You shouldn't smoke. And-uh, alcohol is bad.
	Writes "alcohol" on the board.
Mr. Mackey	You shouldn't drink alcohol. And-uh, as for drugs, well, drugs are bad. You shouldn't do drugs. M'kay, that about wraps up my introduction, now uh, are there any questions?
	Stan's hand is up.
Mr. Mackey	Yes, Stan?
Stan	Why do dogs have cold noses?
Mr. Mackey	Uhhh, well, I'm not sure.
Stan	Oh.
Mr. Mackey	Now-uh, let's focus our discussion first on marijawana.
	Writes "marijuana" on the board.
Mr. Mackey	Marijawana's bad, and it also has a very distinct smell, okay? I'm gonna pass around just a little tiny bit. Now, I want you all to take a smell,
	Pip takes the Petri dish with the marijuana leaf in it and just looks at it. The others look at him.
Mr. Mackey	...so you know when someone is smoking marijawana near you. M'kay, just take a smell, pass it on,
	Pip sniffs at it, then passes it back to Bill.
Mr. Mackey	...and when it gets back up to me,
	Bill sniffs at it.
Mr. Mackey	...we'll finish talking about it. In the meantime, I want to get into alcohol a little, okay? Uh, alcohol is bad. Uh, if you drink alcohol you...
Kyle	Hey, are you guys gonna come to Ike's party this weekend?
Stan	Your little brother's having a party? Why, is it his birthday?
Kyle	No, it's his bris.
Cartman	What the hell is a "bris"?
Kyle	I don't know. But there's gonna be lots of food, and a band.
Cartman	Oh, kick ass! I wanna have a bris!
Mr. Mackey	...and so uh, that's why alcohol is bad. Uh, ha-has that marijawana made it back up here yet?
	No answer from the class.
Mr. Mackey	No? O-okay. Let's talk about LSD.
	Mr. Mackey writes "LSD" on the board.
Mr. Mackey	Uh, children, LSD i-is bad. It's a drug made famous by John Lennon and Paul McCartney...
Stan	Hey, are we supposed to get your little brother presents for a bris?
Kyle	Uhhh... I'm not sure.
Stan	Well, dude, you better find out!
Mr. Mackey	Boys, are you paying attention?
Stan	Sorry, Mr. Mackey, m'kay?
Mr. Mackey	Okay. Now, children, has that marijawana made it around yet?
	No response.
Mr. Mackey	Uhh, who-who has the marijawana now?
	Stan blinks.
Mr. Mackey	Ummm okay, whoe-whoever has the marijawana, just pass it up to the front row, m'kay?
	Not a thing.
Mr. Mackey	Uh-oh.
	Principal Victoria's office.
Principal Victoria	I am very disappointed in you, young man. You should be ashamed of yourself. What could have possessed you to be so stupid? [Thumps the desk.]
Mr. Mackey	I'm sorry, Prinshipal Victoria.
Principal Victoria	We-hell, "sorry" isn't going to cut the cheese this time, mister! I'm afraid I'm going to have to suspend you from school.
Mr. Mackey	You mean I'm fired?
Principal Victoria	Well, I guess that's the grown-up way to put it, yes.
Mr. Mackey	But-but it was an honest error of judgment, m'kay? I-I really thought it was important for the kids to know the smell of marijawana--
Principal Victoria	It was an error of judgment, Mr. Mackey, but I'm afraid I have to let you go for it. We searched each one of those kids, but came up empty.
Mr. Mackey	But--
Principal Victoria	We had to let them go home, and one of them now has half a lid of Jamaican grass because of you!
Mr. Mackey	Huh, how am I going to make ends meet...m-[Sniff.]m'kay? Wha-what will I do for money??
Principal Victoria	There, there, now. Maybe this will all blow over someday and we can give you a job as a janitor cleaning up vomit with that pink sawdust stuff.
Mr. Mackey	[Sobbing.] No-uho-uho-uho! [Sniff.] Not o-uho-uhokay!
	Bus stop. The kids leave the bus and Mrs. Crabtree peels away screaming.
Stan	Man! That sucked, getting searched.
	They walk off together.
Cartman	Yeah, my ass is killing me.
Kyle	Why did they search us? That marijawana never even made it to us.
Cartman	I wonder who took it.
	Mr. Garrison's house. He's looking drowsy watching Teletubbies'
Announcer	And now it's almost time for BoBo's.
	The Teletubbies move around whirring all the while. Garrison laughs softly.
	The boys are walking home when Chef drives up to them.
Chef	Hello there, children.
Boys	Hey, Chef.
Kyle	How's it going?
Chef	Bad.
Kyle	Why bad?
Chef	Children, I heard about what happened at school today. Now, none of you took that nasty marijuana, did you?
Stan	No, dude, we never even saw it!
Chef	Okay. Because I just want to tell you that drugs are bad!
Stan	We know, we know, that's what everybody says.
Chef	Right. But do you know why they're bad?
Kyle	Because they're an addictive solution to a greater problem, causing disease of both body and mind with consequences far outweighing their supposed benefits.
Chef	And do you have any idea what that means?
Kyle	No.
Cartman	I know. Drugs are bad because if you do drugs, you're a hippie, and hippies suck.
Chef	Look, children. This is all I'm goin' to say about drugs: stay away from them. There's a time and place for everything, and it's called college. Do you understand?
Boys	Dude!
Chef	Okay. [Starts to move.]
Kyle	Hey, are you going to come to Ike's bris this weekend?
Chef	[Stops.] Oh, hell no! I can't bear to see that!
Stan	What do ya mean?
Chef	Don't you boys know what a bris is? They're going to circumcise him.
Cartman	Wo-what's that?
Chef	Oh boy. Here we go again.
	The boys wait.
Chef	Children... Uhh... What's the one thing that's more sacred to a man than anything else in the world?
Stan	Ahhh, bicycles?
Cartman	Ham?
Kyle	No, not ham, you fat fuck!
Cartman	Screw you! It's ham, isn't it?
Chef	No, no, no, children, I'm talkin' about the most important part of a man's body.
Kyle	Your heart?
Stan	Your eyes?
	Chef slaps his hand to his forehead in disbelief.
Kenny	(Ooh, the penis!)
Chef	That's right.
Cartman	Hey! My mom says you're not supposed to call it a penis, Kenny! You're supposed to call it a fireman.
Chef	A "fireman"?
Cartman	That's the proper way to say it, or else you get a spanking.
Chef	Dammit, children! Why do I always have to be the one to explain all this stuff to you?
	Chef starts up his car. The radio comes on.
Chef	Ask your parents for once!
Kyle	Hey, wait!
	Chef drives away.
Stan	Dude, something tells me this bris thing isn't good.
	Mr. Mackey is walking the streets of South Park, quite depressed. A car pulls up and the driver honks twice. Mr. Mackey looks to see who it is.
Female passenger	Hey, Mackey, you got any more pot? My four-year-old needs a fix! Yehahahahaha!
	They drive off. Bill Allen's father pulls up in a small truck.
Mr. Allen	Hey, Mackey! Now we see what you and Homer Simpson have in common, d'oh-pe! [Peels away.] Ha ha ha ha!
	Mr. Mackey resumes his sorrowful walk. A blue car pulls up.
Driver 2	Heeey, Mackey!
Driver 3	Hey, Mackey! Why did the drug user cross the road?
Driver 3's Passenger	Who do you think you are, you stupid drug-taking hippie?! You damn hippies are all alike!
Driver 4	Won't you leave the guy alone?
	Traffic is building up. Horns blow.
Driver 5	Hey, hippie, are you gonna do some drugs?
Mr. Mackey	Uuuuuugh!
	Quickly drops into a bar and takes a seat.
Bartender	Hey, I don't think I've seen you around here before.
Mr. Mackey	Naw, I just-- I had to get away, m-m'kay? I just lost my job.
Bartender	Oh that's weak, man. You know what you need? You need a good, stiff drink.
Mr. Mackey	Oh-uh-uh, I don't drink, m'kay?
Bartender	Trust me, man! It'll make you feel better.
	Places the mug before him.
Mr. Mackey	Ughuh... [To himself.] Drinkin's bad.
Devil	[Poof.] Go ahead. Drink the beer. It'll calm you down.
Angel	[Poof.] Yeah, why the hell not? It's just a beer. Don't be such a pussy, m'kay?
	Mackey takes the beer and drinks most of it.
	Poof. The angel and devil are gone.
Bartender	So how do you feel?
Mr. Mackey	[Burp] Woah, about the same.
Bartender	Oh, you just need something a little stronger.
	Serves up some Scotch whiskey.
	The boys minus Stan are at the curb working on an ice sculpture of South Park.
Stan	[Rushing up.] Kyle! You have to stop them!
Kyle	Stop who?
Stan	Dude! I found out what a bris is! I found out what they're gonna do to Ike!
Kyle	What?
Stan	They're gonna chop off his wee wee!
	Kyle's jaw drops. For a moment he's dumbstruck.
Kyle	Chop off his wee wee?! Are you sure?!
Stan	Yeah, dude! It's a Jewish tradition! It's called a circumstision!
Cartman	Dude! That is not cool! Choppin' off wee wees is not cool!
Kyle	That can't be true! My parents wouldn't do that!
Stan	Dude, I asked five different people. They said all Jewish boys have circumstisions, an-and they make it into a party called a bris.
Cartman	Dude, yuh-eh-you just don't...chop off somebody's fireman!
Kyle	I won't believe it! I won't! I have to ask my mom and dad!
	He leaves for home. The others follow.
	Mr. Mackey is walking down the street, drunk, singing Pat Benatar's "Love is a Battlefield"
Mr Mackey	We are young, m'kay? Heartache to heartache we stand, m'kay? No promises, no demands, m-m'kay..?
	Mr. Mackey approaches front door of his house; he places his key into the lock but fails to fit.
Mr. Mackey	Whoa... Is this my house?
Landlord	[Smoking a cigar.] Your key ain't gonna work, Mackey! I changed the locks!
Mr. Mackey	Why, Mr. Freely?
Mr. Freely	I'm not rentin' to you anymore! I heard that you got fired from your job for selling drugs to children!
Mr. Mackey	No, no, no, m'kay? I-it wasn't like that.
Mr. Freely	Drugs are an illegal narcotic! And having never taken drugs, I can say that they have nothing to offer!
Mr. Mackey	But I've never taken drugs either.
Mr. Freely	I've never taken drugs, and look at me! I'm totally fine! Now get off my property before I lose control and kill you!
	Mr. Freely takes out his cigar and throws it away.
Mr. Mackey	Huuhh?
	Freeley throws a rock at Mackey, which strikes him on the left side of the head, and Mackey falls.
Mr. Mackey	Ow, m'kay?!
Mr. Freely	Drug user! Druuug user!
Mr. Mackey	[Struggles to get up.] Uh, uh--
	Mr. Mackey tries to dodge the rocks Freeley is chucking at him.
Mr. Freely	Come back here, dammit!
Mr. Mackey	Whoa, wait!
	Mr. Mackey ends up running away, meanwhile at Kyle's home. Decorations for the bris are going up.
Sheila	Just a little higher.
	The boys arrive.
Kyle	Mom! Dad!
Sheila	Oh, hi, bubele. I'm glad you're here; you can help decorate for the party.
Gerald	Your mother's made gahekgafuga.
Cartman	What the hell is gahekgafuga?
Kyle	Mom, Dad, what exactly are this party for?
Sheila	To celebrate your little brother's [Ike claps.] passage into life.
Kyle	Meaning what?
Gerald	Meaning we're going to circumcise him. [Kyle gasps.]
Cartman	They are gonna cut off his fireman!
Sheila	It's Jewish tradition, bubbe.
Gerald	Normally, we do it right after the baby is born, but we had to do it later for Ike because he's a--
Kyle	AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
	Kyle rushes into his room. The boys stare at Kyle's parents agape with their jaws dropped for a moment.
Gerald	Oh, now what's gotten into him? Stan, will you go talk to him?
	Stan is stiff. In his vision, the parents become dæmons with Gerald holding shears.
Sheila, Gerald	Let us cut off you pee pee, Stan!
Stan, Cartman	AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!! Aaagg-that's the sickest friggin' thing-run, ruuun!
	Kenny pulls his hood closed.
Kenny	(Run, dude!)
	All three run into Kyle's room.
Sheila	Oy, what is the matter with them?
	Kyle's bedroom.
Kyle	I can't believe my parents are cannibals!
Stan	What are you goin' to do, dude?
Kyle	I have to save my little brother! I have to send him away until my parents come to their senses!
	He jumps out the window.
Kyle	Come on, Ike!
	Ike jumps off and into Kyle's arms.
Kyle	Cover me for a while. I'll find a place to hide him and come back.
Cartman	No way, dude! We're not staying alone in your house with your wee-wee-choppin' parents!
Kyle	Just give me 30 minutes. Come on, Ike!
	Cartman and Stan look at each other, scared.
	A dark alley. Mr. Mackey is sleeping under some pages from a newspaper.
Mr. Mackey	Hoh! I can't sleep; it's too cold, m'kay?
Hobo	Hey, you want somethin' to warm you up?
Mr. Mackey	[Startled.] Oh, I didn't know this dark alley was taken.
Hobo	[Holds out a joint.] Here, try this; it'll warm you up.
Mr. Mackey	Marijuwana's bad.
Hobo	What?
Mr. Mackey	Ma-marijuwana makes you feel depressed and low, m'kay?
Hobo	And you don't fell that way now?
Mr. Mackey	Oh, good point.
	Mr. Mackey takes the joint and inhales it deeply, then holds his breath a bit, then relaxes.
Mr. Mackey	No, I don't feel any d-oooohh...
	Psychedelic music plays in the background.
Mr. Mackey	Oh, baby, get down, m'kay?
Hobo	Uh-huh.
	The alley brightens up and takes on neon hues.
Mr. Mackey	Man, this alley is cool! It's so alive and beautiful! [He drops the joint.]
Hobo	Ohh, boy.
	Meanwhile, at the South Park Train Station.
Kyle	Come on, Ike, hurry up! [Ike babbles.] Where is the next train going?
Clerk	Lincoln, Nebraska; train leaves in five minutes.
Kyle	You wanna go to Nebraska, Ike?
Ike	No!
Kyle	I need one ticket for my little brother.
Clerk	That's a little brother? I thought it was a trash can or something. What's wrong with his head?
Kyle	Huh?
Clerk	I'm sorry, but we just can't throw Caucasian babies on an outbound train.
Kyle	But my parents are gonna cut off his ding-dong!
Clerk	What?! Why the hell would they do that?
Kyle	They've just gone crazy for a while. Please, mister, I have to hide my brother until they come to their senses.
Clerk	No can do, sonny.
Kyle	Dammit!
	Kyle walks away with Ike to the train and spots an open door from a freight car. The departing bells sound.
Kyle	Ike, if you wanna keep your penis, you have to get on this train.
	The train whistle blow and starts to pull away.
Kyle	Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
Ike	Don't kick the--
	Kyle kick him into the car.
Kyle	Goodbye, Ike! Be safe! I'll come find you in Nebraska when Mom and Dad are back to normal!
Ike	Bye-bye.
	Some woods near the town, daytime. Mr. Mackey is dazed and confused. A Seinfeld-esque riff plays.
Mr. Mackey	Oh, man, where am I?
Teen 1	Hey, wow, it's that counselor from elementary school, Mr. Mackey.
Teen 2	Wow, dude.
Mr. Mackey	Uh, hi, boys, how are you today?
Teen 1	Pretty good, man. How are you?
Mr. Mackey	Oh, I've been better. I've been kicked out of town for doing drugs.
Teen 1	Hey! Us, too!
Teen 2	Yeah, remember? You caught us smoking weed in the bathroom and got us suspended.
Mr. Mackey	Oh. O Fortune, how you mock me?
Teen 1	Oh, cheer up, bro; all you need is some clear liquid to get your head straight.
Mr. Mackey	Uh-uh, boys, LSD is bad. Hmmm...
	He opens the bottle and lets a drop go into his mouth. The boys watch. Mackey's voice becomes distorted.
Mr. Mackey	Man, who put all this cotton in my mouth?
	Psychedelic music begins to play as his head inflates.
Mr. Mackey	Yeah, baby... The world is so small.
	His head pops off his body and floats away.
Mr. Mackey	I'm free... I'm free...
Teen 2	Sweet dude, totally killer.
Teen 1	That guy's totally trippin'.
	Mr. Mackey's head floats on, smiling.
	Bus Stop. Kyle has met the boys there and is working on a doll.
Kyle	There, what do you think?
Cartman	What the hell is that supposed to be?
Kyle	I'm making a dummy Ike doll. My parents think he's out with me right now, and I have to bring him back for dinner.
Stan	Dude, I think you mom's gonna notice that isn't Ike.
Kyle	Not when if I say he's sick and put him to bed right away.
	Sylvester runs up, having smelled the doll's contents.
Kyle	No, go away! Bad dog!
Stan	Dude, what did you make that doll out of?
Kyle	I used a bunch of bones from the butcher shop.
Cartman	Is that why it stinks so bad?
	Mackey's head flies past.
Mr. Mackey	Hi, boys.
Boys	Hi, Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey	Are you boys stayin' out of trouble?
Boys	Yes.
Mr. Mackey	Okay, I-I'm just gonna go over here for a while.
	Mr. Mackey's head floats away.
Kyle	Anyways, I need you guys to help me so that my parents don't realize Ike is gone.
	Sylvester returns, growling as he sniffs the doll.
Kyle	Knock it off, asshole!
Cartman	No way! I'm never going back to your parents' house!
Stan	Come on, dude. If it were your little brother, we'd help you.
	Stan, Kyle, and Kenny leave.
Cartman	Eech.
	Starts to walk, but then stops.
Cartman	Wait a minute! No, you wouldn't!
	Train Station. The train comes to a stop. A door opens, and Ike is booted out.
Ike	Oh.
	Ike lands on his head, then flips upright.
Ike	Oooh.
	A couple stops by.
Woman	Oh, would you look at that, honey? Somebody dropped off a perfectly good trash can. [The couple leaves.]
Ike	Yeah. No more walbolching!
	Ike skips away into the corn fields nearby.
	Kyle's house. The boys return from the bus stop.
Sheila	Bubbe, where have you been? Dinner's been ready for five minutes.
Kyle	Sorry, Mom. I just had to deal with Ike. He-he's been cranky.
	Kyle rustles the doll a bit.
Sheila	How is my little jellybean?
Kyle	[Doing Ike.] Bye-bye seeme mama. [As himself.] Ah, I'm gonna take him up to the bathroom to get washed up.
	Sylvester has found the house, and is seen looking from behind two pine trees.
Sheila	Okay, but first let Mommy give you a kiss.
	The boys flinch.
Kyle	No, Mom-uh, he, he doesn't want you kissing him.
	Sheila withdraws as Sylvester leaps in and eats the doll from Kyle's hands.
Sheila	Aaaaargh! Omigod, make him stop!
Gerald	AAAGGGHH!!!
Kyle	Put him down, you stupid dog!
Sheila	My baby! Oh, God, the horror!
	Sylvester is chewing the doll's head to pieces.
Gerald	Get out of here, you mutt! Let him go!
	He moves to chase Sylvester away. Sylvester bites into the doll and runs off with it. The boys can only stand with jaws dropped.
Sheila	[Frantically.] Ooooohhhhhhooh-ho! Oooh, my baby! Bubbeleh mine!
	All of them gather at the front porch. Sylvester is munching away on the doll in the middle of the street.
Shiela	Waagghh!!
	A truck driver is sleepily driving down the road, but he does see Sylvester.
Shiela	My baby!!
Driver	Huuh?
	Steps on the brakes, but hits the dog.
Gerald, Sheila	Aaaggghhh! Aaagh aaagghh!
	The gas tank behind the cab cracks open like an egg, then explodes, killing the driver and Sylvester.
Sheila	[Tearful.] Oh, he's dead, he's dead! My little bubbeleh's dead!
Gerald	There, there, Shei-hla. There's nothing we can do.
	Stan and Cartman look at Kyle, who puts his hands behind his back. Cartman's mad at him.
	Cemetery. Ike's casket is being lowered into the plot. Present at the funeral are the Marshes and the Broflovskis, Jimbo, Ned, Barbrady, a piper, and the priest, with a kippah on his head and a scarf on his shoulders.
Father Maxi	"Yea, usher us unto the Lord", sayeth some Jewish guy once. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.
	He throws some ashes into the grave. As the piper plays Hava Nagila, everyone covers their ears. They go their separate ways.
Kyle	Hey, wait a minute. How come Ike's tombstone has the Canadian flag on it?
	Headstone reads: "Ike Moisha Broflovski 1996-1998, Born a Canadian, died an American".
Sheila	Well, bubbe, there's something you have to know. Ike wasn't really your brother, he was adopted.
Kyle	What??
Gerald	He was not really a Broflovski, he was Canadian. But we loved him all the same. [He starts to sob]
Kyle	You mean to tell me that all this time I've been trying to protect Ike from having his fireman cut off, and he's not even my real brother?!
Sheila	What are you talking about?
Kyle	Dude, Ike isn't dead. He's in Nebraska!
	The boys turn right and walk away.
Sheila	What-what-whaaat?!
Stan	Dude, you shouldn't have told them that. Now they're gonna find him and cut off his penis!
Cartman	Fireman!
Kyle	Ooh, who the hell cares? He's not even my responsibility.
	Kenny falls into an open grave.
Kenny	(Hey!)
	The spiked tombstone falls in.
Kenny	(Hey, you guys! I'm dy--)
	The tombstone hits its mark. The grave is deep. Stan hears the impact and turns.
Stan	Oh my God, they've killed Kenny!
Kyle	[Flatly] You bastards!
	Kyle keeps walking. The crowds reconvenes, this time for Kenny's funeral.
Father Maxi	[Removes kippah and scarf.] "Yea, let us ponder the Lord's mercy. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust."
	The piper plays Hava Nagila again.
	Somewhere in South Park, after the funeral. Jimbo and Ned pass Mackey on the sidewalk. Mackey's eyes are bloodshot. Jimbo and Mackey bump shoulders.
Jimbo	Get outta the way, you damn hippie!
Mr. Mackey	[Annoyed] I don't need to take you right-wing authoritative bullshit!
Jimbo	What?
Mr. Mackey	Aw, you're just like the government, man! Trying to prosecute outta one side of your mouth, m'kay, while supporting guns outta the other, m'kay?
Jimbo	Aw, why don't you go to a Grateful Dead concert? [He and Ned leave]
Mr. Mackey	I can't, man. Jerry Bear's dead, m'kay?
Blonde	He-e-ey, man, I overheard what you said; that was coool!
Mr. Mackey	What? Oh, thanks, man.
Blonde	Would you like to come over to my place and finger-paint?
Mr. Mackey	[Getting mellow.] Sure, man. Finger-paintin's cool, m'kay?
	They walk off together. Lincoln, Nebraska, train station. The Broflovskis get off the train, Kyle first.
Sheila	Now, where did you leave him, young man?
Kyle	Aw, how the hell should I know?
Sheila	Gerald! Do something about your smart-ass son!
Gerald	Uhhh... Mind your... mother, smart-ass.
Sheila	If we don't find him, so help me, you're gonna be grounded for a month!
	Gerald peeks into a trashcan.
Shiela	Ike, love?
Kyle	[Grousing.] All the time: "Look out for your little brother, Kyle!", "Take care of your little brother, Kyle", and he wasn't even really my little brother.
Gerald	Kyle, just because Ike is adopted doesn't make him any less your brother.
Kyle	Yeah, right.
	Sheila puts down a bench she was looking under as a clerk approaches.
Sheila	Excuse me, we're looking for a two-year-old Canadian boy.
Clerk	Two-year-old Canadian boy, two-year-old Canadian boy... Oh, I think they might have one of those down at Haps Bar.
Sheila	[Gasps.] Come on!
	Haps Bar. The Broflovskis enter and scan the room, Ike is being used as a base at one table. The camera pans back to him. Sheila rushes over to him and throws the table top off to get him.
Sheila	Ike!
Ike	Mamatoedoe.
Barkeep	Hey, lady, that's my table post! You can't have that!
	Mr. Mackey and the blonde are in bed admiring the finger-painting they have done all over the room, including the ceiling.
Mackey	Wow, man. You know, it's like… You go through life thinking that you're an individual, m'kay? And then you realize that you're more than that, m'kay. We're all just one big individual, m'kay?
Blonde	Let's get married and have a honeymoon in India.
Mackey	[Gives it some thought.] M'kay.
	Mr. Mackey removes his tie and his head deflates to a normal state.
	Kyle's house.
Gerald	Now you march to your room, and you think about what you've done!
Sheila	But first, apologize to your brother!
Kyle	[Pointing at Ike.] He's not my brother!
Gerald	Apologize to him!
Kyle	[Angrily.] I'm sorry, Ike.
	Kyle turns around and walks off.
Ike	Uh oh, stufid.
	Kyle goes into his room and closes the door. Ike is saddened.
	Somewhere in India, Mackey and the blonde are hiking. Elephants bathe in the river below them.
Blonde	Wooow, this is sooo beautiful!
Mackey	[A dove alights on his right arm.] I am one with the animals. And the trees.
Blonde	And I am one with you. [They reach for each other.]
Mr. Mackey	At long last I have found A true reason to be Now I feel I can start anew--
	Mr. T flies onto him and pins him. Hannibal and Face come and pick him up, then all three rough him up.
Mr. Mackey	Woo, whoa! Ow! Hey!
	They carry him away.
Mr. Mackey	Uh oh hel-m. Hey!
Blonde	[Subdued.] Whoa...
Mackey	[As Mr. T tosses him into the A-Team van.] Yeah I got, m'kay?
	Inside the van. Jimbo is driving, with Ned sitting next to him. Mr. Mackey sits between Mr, T and Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Mackey	Uh-- What the hell is going on?!
Jimbo	Tough love, Mr. Mackey. We're taking you to rehab.
Mr. Mackey	I don't want to go to rehab! I haven't even done drugs in weeks!
Principal Victoria	We were wrong for shunning you, Mr. Mackey, and we apologize. We should have realized that you needed help.
Mr. Garrison	Yeah, and now we're gonna make sure you get the help you need.
Mr. Mackey	I don't want help!
Principal Victoria	You'll thank us later.
	They drive off into the distance. Meanwhile at Kyle's House, the big day is here. Guests are arriving.
Sheila	Hello, Tom. Hello, Patty. Thanks for coming to Ike's bris.
Ike	Uh oh.
Sheila	Look Ike, It's Uncle Murray!
Uncle Murray	Hello, Ike! Say, where's little Kyle?
Sheila	He's been sent to his room for being a bastard. He's decided that Ike isn't his brother, since he's adopted.
	Uncle Murray moves off.
Guest	Hi there!
Sheila	Hello. Do I know you?
Guest	Uh-no, but I never miss a bris. Here, I brought some dip. [Gives it to her.]
Sheila	Ohhh, thanks.
	Kyle's room. The boys are gathered there.
Cartman	Well, I guess the chopping is about to commence.
	Ike enters the room with a photo album.
Ike	Oh deh family nrr.
Kyle	What do you want?!
Ike	I wumuh trecompr. Com. Tebruhnerr.
	He opens the album, which reveals pictures of Kyle and Ike. Tender music plays. Kyle looks. The first one has Kyle holding Ike, while the second one has Ike riding on Kyle's elephant.
Kyle	Ohhh, no you don't. That isn't gonna work on me, Canadian!
Stan	Maybe you're being too hard on him, dude.
Kyle	No way! There's no real connection between us. It was all a big lie.
	Ike pulls the album down a bit.
Ike	Cookie Monster, [flips some pages] two, three, four, five.
	The third one: Kyle and Ike tossing a football. The fourth one: a family portrait. The fifth one: Kyle, with Ike in his walker. The sixth one: Kyle giving Ike a bath.
Kyle	Go on, Canadian! Beat it! I'm through getting in trouble for you!
Ike	[Now sporting one of Kyle's caps.] Baraterndr nfard fy. [Kyle looks. Pause.]
	Betty Ford Clinic. Inside...
Social Worker	You have to admit you have a problem before anyone can help you.
Mr. Mackey	But I don't think I really have a problem.
Social Worker	Nonsense! You did drugs! I suppose you forgot all about your family.
Mr. Mackey	I don't really have a family.
Social Worker	And you lost your job.
Mr. Mackey	No, I lost my job before that.
Social Worker	Mr. Mackey, you're supposed to be an adult.
	Nearby, the two teens are on a sofa watching the Teletubbies.
Social Worker	The problem with drugs is that people forget to stop doing them. There's a time and a place for everything, Mr. Mackey, and it's called college! Now, I want you to repeat after me: Drugs are bad.
Mr. Mackey	Drugs are baad.
Social Worker	Drugs are bad.
Mr. Mackey	Uhh... Dru-drugs are baad.
	More guests arrive for Ike's bris. Ding-dong.
Sheila	Hello, Dr. Schwartz! Thank you so much for coming all this way to perform Ike's bris.
Dr. Schwartz	Oh, my pleasure, Sheila. I brought the normal cutting device, but then I remembered that Ike was Canadian, so I brought the right one.
	The incisive hole is maple leaf-shaped.
Where is the little rug rat?	台词
Sheila	Right over here.
	She takes him over to Ike.
Dr. Schwartz	Come 'ere, you.
Ike	Oowwww!
	Ike skips away into Kyle's room.
Ike	Oh deh faminrr.
	Ike hops over to Kyle. They look at each other as the doctor calls.
Dr. Schwartz	Ike? Ike?
	Ike jumps up and hugs Kyle.
Ike	Heh cohcoh mondefern menurr.
	Ike hugs him tighter, and Kyle is moved.
Dr. Schwartz	There you are. Come on Ike, it's time.
	Kyle recovers and gets angry.
Kyle	You stay away from my little brother!
Dr. Schwartz	[Stammers.] Bu-bu-but, son, I just--
Kyle	You aren't gonna cut off his wee wee. Not today, you sick-ass weirdo!
Sheila	[Now in the room.] Kyle, what are you talking about?
Kyle	And you! You should be ashamed of yourself! Don't you understand that us males are defined by our firemen?!
Cartman	[A bit solemnly.] Yes. The fireman is very magical. If you rub his helmet, he spits in your eye. [Stan draws a blank.]
Dr. Schwartz	Kyle... a-a circumcision is a very common thing for Ike to have. His father had it, his grandfather had it, and...
	Dr. Schwartz points at Kyle.
Dr. Schwartsz	...his brother had it.
	Cartman and Stan gape.
Kyle	No! No, it isn't true!
Dr. Schwartz	We're not going to cut it off! We're just goin' to snip it, so it looks bigger.
Stan and Cartman wonder.	台词
Stan	Oh, hey, that doesn't sound like a bad idea!
Cartman	Heyeah, I want to get a circumstision, too. [Kyle looks up.]
	Betty Ford Clinic. Mr. Mackey and the social worker exit the main building.
Social Worker	Congratulations, Mr. Mackey. You are fully recovered.
Mr. Mackey	I can't thank you enough for everything, m'kay? I feel like my old self again.
Social Worker	Just one more thing.
	She sets his tie in place, and his head inflates to its original state.
Social Worker	Remember that you can stay sober.
Mr. Mackey	I will, Ms. Social Worker. I will. [They embrace one last time.] M'kay?
	Kyle's house. Everyone is gathered for the bris.
Kyle	It's okay, Ike. I'm here.
Dr. Schwartz	And-a one and-a two and-a... bris. [Snip.]
Ike	Ouch. Amuhbuhbuhbuh.
	The boys faint. The adults clap. He skips over to Kyle.
Ike	Cookie Monster.
Kyle	[Gets up.] Ike, you're okay. [Cartman and Stan get up.]
Stan	Whoa, dude, I guess having a bris isn't all that bad.
Kyle	Yeah. You know, I've learned something today. Family isn't about whose blood you have, it's about who you care about.
Stan	Yeah.
Kyle	And that's why I feel like you guys are more than just friends. You're my family. [Tugs on Ike and moves away.] Except for Cartman.
Stan	[Follows.] Naturally.
Cartman	Eah, screw you guys! I don't wanna be in your penis-choppin' family anyway!
	Monday morning, Mr. Garrison's class.
Mr. Garrison	And so now, children, your school counselor is back, to tell you firsthand about his nasty experience with drugs and alcohol.
	Mr. Garrison makes way for Mr. Mackey.
Mr. Mackey	Okay, kids? Uh, you shouldn't do drugs, m'kay? Drugs are bad. You see, I was at the bottom of the barrel. I was a wreck; why, I didn't even care about money. I was-I was wasting my life...
	Mr. Garrison slowly shakes his head.
Cartman	Hey, you guys wanna come to my bris tomorrow?
Stan	You can't have your bris tomorrow, Cartman, that's when I'm having mine.
Cartman	No way, I set up mine first, hippie!
Mr. Mackey	Now boys, you need to listen up, m'kay? Wha-what I'm talkin' about might save your life someday, m'kay?
Stan	[Mimicking.] Okay, Mr. Mackey, okay?
Mr. Mackey	M'kay.
Kyle	M'kay?
Mr. Mackey	M'kay.
Cartman	Okay?
Mr. Mackey	Okay.
	The camera slowly pulls away.
Mr. Mackey	Now, as I was sayin, uh... drugs are bad. You shouldn't do drugs. Eh, uh if you do them, you're bad. Because drugs are bad, m'kay? It's a bad thing to do drugs. So-uh so don't be bad, by doing drugs, unkay? That'd be bad, 'cause drugs are bad. M'kay?
艾克的小弟弟 结束